Grief and Possessions

 

Grief and Possessions 

This is a complicated place to be, I know because I am a fellow griever myself. On November 10, 2021, my beloved brother died suddenly and tragically, now forever 35, leaving behind a heartbroken and grief stricken family. Through a tangled web of trying to navigate my grief, this tragedy lead me to follow my dreams and start my own small business as a Professional Organizer.  

Within my first few months of business, I started working with some long-term clients experiencing their own grief, and am continuing to work them. It almost felt like it was meant to be getting to work with them as I got my small business up and running, as I am a part of this club too, a place no one wants to be, but once you are in it, you just get it. As difficult and heartbreaking as it is, overtime, if you let it, your grief can teach you many lessons. My heightened compassion, empathy and connection to their pain was a perfect match. Somehow, I am able to sit with them in it and they are doing beautifully with what they have given me the privilege of helping them navigate - their loved ones belongings. 

Firstly, however you choose to deal with the person you lost belongings is ok, there is no right or wrong in this scenario, grief has no timeline, it is something that is with us forever and always. If you are the one who is in possession of their personal items and everything that needed to be done in the legal sense with them is taken care of, and you are now in the care of the items that made up their world, what comes next? 

For some, they may need to work through everything sooner rather than later, for others it is something that comes later down the road, or maybe even never. Some people go through the items quickly and for others, it is a much slower process. Again, there is no right or wrong. 

For me, I wasn’t the one in possession of my brothers items to make the decisions, but I am thankful for the items I now have that belonged to him. They hold so much meaning to me. The truth though, I have a box full of his belongings, items I’m not sure I will ever be able to let go of. After a year and a half or so of being in possession of this box, I made the decision to go through it, and decided that if I was going to own these items, I wanted to integrate them into my life to use them. I drink from his mugs, wear his shirts and socks, eat off his plates, cozy up in his blanket. This taught me that grief and joy can coexist - because somedays they make me smile, and other days, they bring me to tears, I have learned to accept both as part of my life now 💙

For my clients, when they were ready, and realized they couldn’t do it alone, reaching out for help to an outside party was the answer for them to be able to conquer the task in front of them and in their space. We are getting there and I am so proud of them, because it is hard. 

Here are some things I have learned about people grieving and going through the process of going through the things they have inherited:

1. Asking for help from a person who is not a close friend or family member is helpful, we don’t have the same emotional attachment and can help gently guide you, keep you on track and offer a shoulder (I will link the directory to the Professional Organizers in Canada below, and you can find an Organizer near you if you are interested in exploring this avenue). This is a brave step. 
2. If you are the person going in to help, go in with a plan, ask questions and find out the goal. Do they want to try to get rid of items (donate or sell), integrate items into their life, display some of their favourite things, sort and store everything away? 
3. Short bursts of time work better, in my experience, 3 hours is the maximum.
4. Take breaks and drink water.
5. It can be a slow process - months even. 
6. Don’t rush people, it doesn’t help. Patience is key.
7. Ask questions about the items when they are having trouble making decisions. 
8. Make yes, no and maybe piles - no decision is final until it is out the door. 
9. “Homework” doesn’t usually get done - If this is you, this is OK. If you are the helper, you can make suggestions for tasks that could be done in the time you aren’t working together, and that’s ok if it doesn’t get complete, you can do it together. 
10. It is so hard - if you are a griever tasked with going through your loved ones belongings, what you are feeling is normal - if you are assisting - make sure they know that they are doing a great job. 

You will laugh, cry, and have lots of silence. Don’t be afraid to ask about their person, because most people love to talk about the ones that are gone, because it reminds us that they were here and are still with us 💙

As for a few resources, and honestly, nothing truly helps the grief process, I have come across a few things that at least made me feel normal in what I was experiencing through my grief (affiliate links):

• It's OK That You're Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand  - Megan Devine - Book - https://amzn.to/3UHbjP0
• How to Carry What Can't Be Fixed: A Journal for Grief  - Megan Devine - Journal - https://amzn.to/3V6LSb9
• Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief - David Kessler - Book - https://amzn.to/3WOU1Co

Instagram accounts to follow:

@surviving.grief

@gretchnevans

@micheledeville

@refugeingrief

@goodmourningpodcast

@untanglegrief

@marklemonofficial

Where to find organizing help: 

• Professional Organizers in Canada Directory: https://organizersincanada.com/get-organized/find-an-organizer/

Thank you for reading! 

Kristen 

KAS KONCEPTS - Helping you get and stay organized! 

W: https://kaskoncepts.godaddysites.com